Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
