I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
