dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
