Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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