I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize