I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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