My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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