last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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