Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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