I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
