I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
