my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
