I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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