If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
