So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
