Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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