ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
