I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
