Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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