mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
