Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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