Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
don't judge my taste in strippers
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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