You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
