is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
