A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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