my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
