i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
