I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
