we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
