Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
