Moan for me like Helen Keller
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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