The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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