Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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