Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.