What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem