You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
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i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
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Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.