I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When are your genitals available?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
