you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
