Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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