If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
