Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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