you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
