Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
