The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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