i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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