perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
