Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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