I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
