I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
