I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
