i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
