I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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