did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
