i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
