I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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