My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
