They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
