Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
