: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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